Buzzin Football Blog

Referee Strike Means Players Will Have to Call Their Own Fouls
- a tongue-in-cheek satirical look at one of the stories that failed to make the papers

After “constant abuse, threats and a lack of gratitude for the job they do,” head referee Keith Hackett has announced that next season there will be no officials for top flight games, leaving the remarkable situation that teams will have to call their own fouls.

The referees’ move came after another season of controversy over referees’ decisions, in which their best intentions were often ridiculed by three stuffed shirts in a BBC TV studio the evening after a game, and more often than not also in real-time over the radio as well. Now Premier League games will have much more of a ‘playground’ feel to them, as players are forced to cope without any authority whatsoever.

“It will teach them responsibility,” said Sir Alex Ferguson. “Even if we have a couple of the subs running the lines, the on-field stuff will have to be sorted out by the players themselves. I would like to think the gentlemanly spirit of competition would lead the boys to treat it properly and fairly, but something tells me every club will now be investing in a very forceful centre-midfielder to argue with the opposition players over free kicks.

I’m trying to get Keano to come out of retirement!”

Early pre-season trials have been less than encouraging. A Portsmouth v Middlesborough game descended into a scuffle after Stuart Downing was accused of shirt pulling by Glen Johnson, who proceeded to demonstrate exactly how Downing had done it using the winger’s shorts. A series of petty fouls in a Blackburn v Newcastle friendly resulted in Matt Derbyshire stamping his foot and running off to find a teacher, while Chelsea’s tour of Ireland was cut short after the first game, when a controversial goal for Cork City led to John Terry ending the match early and storming off down the tunnel. As it was him who had brought the ball, the rest of the players had no choice but to follow.

Some elements of the game have been improved though. There was generally less spitting (ever noticed how no one does this until the age of about 15?), and games were more competitive due to the fact that the captains’ often lined their sides up on the half way line before the start and went about picking teams. This was bad news for Everton’s Alan Stubbs though- “I always get picked last,” he whined.

For more football stories which failed to make the papers, visit The Armchair Fan.